I am just so sorry! Church trauma is painful in deep and weird and such hard ways.... unfortunately I know it too. I am 3 years out from the latest wound and grateful that it doesn't still consume my every day. Forgiveness has not come as quickly as I have desired, but I continue to lean forward and to "my work". I rejoice with each realization that another step has been taken. Thanks for sharing!
Thank Sweet Jesus, finally a space.....to spill out the hurricane in my soul. It’s a loooong story and I’m grasping for the belief that God can, God will, and God desires to breathe His life into my convoluted messy life.
Forgiveness/letting go...I’ve cried more tears in the last 2-3 years and trusting God that those tears are healing areas that I don’t yet recognize.
Trusting God.... I’ve no where else/ no one else to go to anymore.
I have a tattoo on my arm that I crafted:
Jesus, grow your hope in me
For I have none of my own
Jesus embodies forgiveness, and He is that door to get to whatever He has in store for me.
I listened to a sermon by Steve Furtick “Trust Me, I’m Trying” and God whispered sweet words of comfort and so much understanding....my will needed to be healed. I lost it somewhere in the day to day survival of the last 7 years or so.
Thank you Amber, for creating this space. Thank you for casting your vulnerable heart out there once again.
My husband and I are at what we hope to be the beginning of the end of our second run-in with narcissism in the church. The first was a senior pastor/boss and now my husband is the pastor and we have a person in the church who has slandered him and our elders to many in our community and also to many in authority over us denominationally. We feel powerless in the face of the huge level of charm and grooming that has been done in secret before we even knew about it. It is devastating. But it sadly so common. The narcissist must be held accountable for their own good as well as the protection of others. I hope and pray that your priest is being held accountable finally. It often seems to take such a long time for others to see what is going on right in front of them. These folks are so good at looking great to who they want to look great to. The new Dixie Chicks song Gaslighter has been cathartic. Along with Chuck DeGroat, another author (no longer living) who has greatly helped us is Peter L Steinke (every pastor or church staff or lay leader should read his book Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times, especially during this anxious time in history. And anyone who is suspicious that they might be dealing with pathological narcissism in someone close-by should read his epilogue People of the Charm and his chapter on boundaries, The Essential Edge. Life and sanity-saving stuff!) You can also look him up on YouTube and find some excellent talks he has given. Many blessings to you as you continue on your journey of healing and forgiveness and feeling whole and heard again. I am right there with you! Forgiveness is as essential and as empowering as doing whatever is in your power to hold the accuser accountable for their actions. The psalms have been the biggest gift during our desert years working in close proximity with a person with NPD. Thank you for writing about this. It is healing and validating for me to read your story.
This line: "I have always believed that my voice matters, but the reality as it happened is that I spoke, over and over again, and my voice actually factually did not matter to the people I loved the most. Not enough to change anything."
It's exactly where I'm at right now. My church has been my vocation for 14 years; but, I've never dealt with so much anger as I have over how my leader is managing the covid-19 crisis. I've said what I can say. I've sent the emails. None of it is being heard (or even replied to, frankly). Let's just say I've seen flexible morality and a lack of submission to governing authorities, which is putting our health and safety (both staff members and congregants) at risk. I've been able to put a lot of my preferences aside over the years, but this situation has a clear right and wrong. Our Christian worldviews differ. I'm done.
I don't know what to do next. One month ago, I didn't think I'd be looking to find a new career in a harder job market/economy (I don't even know what I want to do next), a new church, and community, all by myself (I'm single), at age 40.
I am just so sorry! Church trauma is painful in deep and weird and such hard ways.... unfortunately I know it too. I am 3 years out from the latest wound and grateful that it doesn't still consume my every day. Forgiveness has not come as quickly as I have desired, but I continue to lean forward and to "my work". I rejoice with each realization that another step has been taken. Thanks for sharing!
Thank Sweet Jesus, finally a space.....to spill out the hurricane in my soul. It’s a loooong story and I’m grasping for the belief that God can, God will, and God desires to breathe His life into my convoluted messy life.
Forgiveness/letting go...I’ve cried more tears in the last 2-3 years and trusting God that those tears are healing areas that I don’t yet recognize.
Trusting God.... I’ve no where else/ no one else to go to anymore.
I have a tattoo on my arm that I crafted:
Jesus, grow your hope in me
For I have none of my own
Jesus embodies forgiveness, and He is that door to get to whatever He has in store for me.
I listened to a sermon by Steve Furtick “Trust Me, I’m Trying” and God whispered sweet words of comfort and so much understanding....my will needed to be healed. I lost it somewhere in the day to day survival of the last 7 years or so.
Thank you Amber, for creating this space. Thank you for casting your vulnerable heart out there once again.
My husband and I are at what we hope to be the beginning of the end of our second run-in with narcissism in the church. The first was a senior pastor/boss and now my husband is the pastor and we have a person in the church who has slandered him and our elders to many in our community and also to many in authority over us denominationally. We feel powerless in the face of the huge level of charm and grooming that has been done in secret before we even knew about it. It is devastating. But it sadly so common. The narcissist must be held accountable for their own good as well as the protection of others. I hope and pray that your priest is being held accountable finally. It often seems to take such a long time for others to see what is going on right in front of them. These folks are so good at looking great to who they want to look great to. The new Dixie Chicks song Gaslighter has been cathartic. Along with Chuck DeGroat, another author (no longer living) who has greatly helped us is Peter L Steinke (every pastor or church staff or lay leader should read his book Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times, especially during this anxious time in history. And anyone who is suspicious that they might be dealing with pathological narcissism in someone close-by should read his epilogue People of the Charm and his chapter on boundaries, The Essential Edge. Life and sanity-saving stuff!) You can also look him up on YouTube and find some excellent talks he has given. Many blessings to you as you continue on your journey of healing and forgiveness and feeling whole and heard again. I am right there with you! Forgiveness is as essential and as empowering as doing whatever is in your power to hold the accuser accountable for their actions. The psalms have been the biggest gift during our desert years working in close proximity with a person with NPD. Thank you for writing about this. It is healing and validating for me to read your story.
This line: "I have always believed that my voice matters, but the reality as it happened is that I spoke, over and over again, and my voice actually factually did not matter to the people I loved the most. Not enough to change anything."
It's exactly where I'm at right now. My church has been my vocation for 14 years; but, I've never dealt with so much anger as I have over how my leader is managing the covid-19 crisis. I've said what I can say. I've sent the emails. None of it is being heard (or even replied to, frankly). Let's just say I've seen flexible morality and a lack of submission to governing authorities, which is putting our health and safety (both staff members and congregants) at risk. I've been able to put a lot of my preferences aside over the years, but this situation has a clear right and wrong. Our Christian worldviews differ. I'm done.
I don't know what to do next. One month ago, I didn't think I'd be looking to find a new career in a harder job market/economy (I don't even know what I want to do next), a new church, and community, all by myself (I'm single), at age 40.